It was my observation; about 44+ years ago, as a baby Christian (only a few years old in Jesus), I was drawn into a very dark situation while involved in helping a church establish a building program. I believed I had been lied to by my district leaders, I felt betrayed and hurt. I was self-focused, heartbroken, but after a short while, that heartbreak turned to vindictive unforgiveness. At first, I convinced myself I had every right feeling this emotion. Then common sense set in, and I knew I was in trouble. For weeks I struggled. I wanted what was right but could not shake loose from the troubles. I prayed, thought I was free, then a few days later, a trigger would actuate my feelings, and I was back in the ditch.

The relentless feeling of righteous anger was a drug that would overpower the small voice pulling the desire of my heart towards forgiveness. Yet I held onto unforgiveness. I prayed openly for mercy and kindness towards the people I was struggling with, but I was way too young in the Lord to enter his rest.

The war inside me was exhausting. It affected my marriage, my children, and my work. There was no relief. One side in me wanted a cease fire the other side in me wanted total victory.

Then a friend of mine, seeing my struggle, talking with friends who also were aware of my struggle decided to enter the fray. He started talking to me about standing down, ending the struggle. I resisted. I wanted victory. Fortunately, he was on a mission. He knew what I did not.

He knew I needed to let go or I would digress into a disabled human, a trophy of Lucifer. He kept showing me passages on forgiveness, I was hopeless. He kept at it. My friend showed me Psalms 130 and helped me to really understand the message from David.

David said — Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord; Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy (Psalms 130:1-2).

I wanted to be free, even if it meant forgiving someone undeserving of my forgiveness and had not even asked for it. I wanted out of the prison I had created. Yet I could not find the door. How do I get out?

David said — If you, Lord, kept a record of sins, Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve you (Psalms 130:3-4).

I realized I had been living in a state of oppression from Lucifer, and it was affecting everything. It affected my choices each day. It affected my peace, joy, and happiness each day. In pursuit of a twisted form of justice, I lost sight of God’s goodness, his mercy.

David said — I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his Word, I put my hope. I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning (Psalms 130:5-6).

From a worldly perspective, I convinced myself I was justified to be angry and unforgiving, but from a godly perspective, I saw with fresh eyes that my anger and unforgiveness held me hostage to a lack of joy – my close communion with God and my family had been marred. I was wrong in God’s eyes. I was trying to do his job. I repented.

David said — Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins (Psalms 130:7-8).

I learned all over again about forgiveness, given to me as a gift by the actions of Jesus. His forgiveness had opened the door, then blew out the hinges so it could not close again. The prisoner was me. The Door was clinging to my anger and unforgiveness. My friend had pointed me to the cross and Jesus. My friend helped me put down the crushing burden. My peace returned. The war inside of me was over. My friend knew one thing I did not know. The way out of the problem. He was a blessing to me.

I choose Jesus.